The Myth of an Easy Life
We often have a psychological blind spot that causes us to believe that life should be easy and without challenges or distress. That, at some point in the future, there will be a time when life will be easy. This belief is fueled by a desire for ease, the influence of others who share this distortion, and cultural forces such as marketing that suggests certain amenities and luxuries can make life easy. The reality is that we will all experience distressing feelings that can lead to struggles such as anxiety disorders and depression, and occur due to ADHD and PTSD.
Embracing the Challenges of Life
In reality, life is a series of challenges that lead us to experience distress. As Winston Churchill famously said, “life, one damn thing after another.” A more empowering perspective, one that also recognizes the moments of richness and joy of life, comes from a story shared by Sharon Salzberg (https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/ )about one of the Tibet’s leading monks. He spoke about his harrowing experience fleeing China’s takeover of Tibet, and how within hours he went from being an exalted leader in his country to begging for food for he and his followers on the streets of Calcutta. Years later, he reflected on his experiences, saying, “so many highs, so many lows, they all seem like dreams in one dreamlike mirage.” When we look back on the events of our lives, we may be able to see the mirage-like quality of even our greatest challenges. It can be difficult to fully grasp the complexity of what we experienced so intensely at the time, even when as serious as anxiety attacks or clinical depression.
Navigating the Intrapersonal World
Rather than looking and acting in the external world hoping for things to be easier at some point in the future, a more effective and readily available solution is to turn inward and focus on our intrapersonal world.
We experience the challenges of our life situation (work, relationship, finances, etc.) through our internal filter. Perception is reality. Since we can’t always instantly solve these external challenges, it is much more effective to look where we have more power to create change. Our perception is primarily colored by our complex feeling state. The challenge of navigating our feelings is the intrapersonal challenge through which all external challenges are experienced. Therefore, a helpful orienting question is, “how can I navigate my internal world optimally?”
As humans, we experience our feelings like waves in the ocean. These emotional movements are driven by the endless stream of automatic thinking secreted by the mind. I say secreted and not “generated” because this is not a mechanical process. The movements of the mind are more like saliva – they are produced and released without our active intent. The same is true for our default, background thinking that is so core to the experience of conditions such as social anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
These waves of feelings and thoughts are constant, except for brief moments of respite (such as while on vacation, after a nice meal, or spending time with loved ones). The waves can overwhelm and subsume us, wearing us down over time like the ocean erodes a cliff. Sadly, this happens to many people, who lose the spark, magic, and love of life they had as children. Since we can’t escape these waves of feelings and thought, the opportunity is to turn into and learn to surf them and even find joy and exhilaration as you gain mastery doing so.
The Power of the Three L’s
So how can we surf these waves? A simple reminder is the three L’s: look at, label, and let any distressing feelings pass through you.
1. Look – pay attention to your feelings and thoughts
2. Label – name your feelings and thoughts
3. Let your feeling pass through – allow them to come and go rather than getting caught up in them
These are core steps in my Brain Operating Manual. They are simple, direct and powerful, and I hope they can provide a structure to help you navigate the most important thing in all of reality, your feeling state. Your feeling state is the most important thing in all of reality because it is. Period. Full stop.
Your feeling state is also the most important on a purely practical level, because you experience all of reality through that filter. By refining and clarifying the color of your filter, you will have a different lens through which to view the world. And as you change the way you see the world, the world you see with change. Focusing on your internal feelings will have a greater return on investment than trying to change external situations that cannot be fully changed.
The first two steps – looking at and labeling your feelings – are relatively easy, although it can be difficult to remember to do the first step. The second step is a skill to be actively developed, as most people struggle to identify how they are feeling. If a person can identify any feelings, they are typically related to anxiety and depression - the two conditions that have gained the most awareness in society. It is important to also look for feelings of powerlessness and confusion, as these can trigger more feelings of anxiety and sadness. These feelings are very common and often unidentified, even among those who have been in psychotherapy for years, especially in individuals who have experienced developmental and other traumas. I look forward to sharing a technique for how to identify and label your full feeling state effectively in the future. For now here is a reference as a placeholder - https://www.healthline.com/health/emotion-wheel#how-to-use-it .
Learning to Surf
The third step - letting your feelings pass through - is where the concept of learning to surf comes in. Distressing feelings experienced in anxiety, depression, and PTSD can often be overwhelming, crashing over us like a wave at the beach, leaving us feeling battered and disoriented. When this occurs while swimming it often is because we didn’t see the wave coming. Same for our waves of suffering and distress. This is our psychological blind spot. Once through the peak of depression or a severe panic attack, we only look forward in the belief that the challenges are behind us and it will be smooth sailing from here. It is in this blind spot that we don’t see the next of the inevitable challenges coming. Then again a wave of distressing feelings crashes over us repeating the cycle.
To change this pattern we can start by looking at the waves of feeling passing through us after we have been triggered. This (once again as described in my last blog post – https://www.drjonslaughter.com/post/treat-your-anxiety-symptoms-trauma-and-depression-with-this-brain-operating-manual ) is based on the scientifically validated principle of cognitive fusion, which is the belief that we are every thought and feeling passing through us. In reality, we are not our thoughts and feelings. This awareness is known as cognitive defusion, a concept reflected in the meditative approaches of many healing traditions. By recognizing that you are not your feelings of anxiety, depression, and powerlessness you can respond to them in any way you choose. One effective way to do this is to step back, remember that you are breathing and put your attention on the sensations of your body (such as feeling your feet on the ground), and let the feelings begin to pass through you. This is the process of surfing the waves of emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
Letting your feeling pass through without acting on them is a powerful tool called non-reactivity. It is a skill to be developed just like surfing, although it is simpler in that it does not require great physical or mental effort. In fact, non-reactivity is cultivated through not exerting effort. This can be difficult at first, as we are all conditioned to be “human doers,” but it gets easier with practice. This is about learning to be present in one’s life without needing to act. Non-reactivity allows us to make choices about how we respond to our feelings and thoughts, rather than automatically reacting to them.
You can try initially this approach when you experience something that leads to anxiety and other distressing feelings. Going forward there is the possibility to always have part of your attention watching the waves as you are actively engaged in your life. This is called mindfulness. This will reduce the likelihood that you don’t see a wave coming and get knocked over by it. No one likes picking shells and sand out of their teeth.
Take a moment to start to change your life
You deserve to begin shifting your filter and lens now. Most importantly, because it will allow to experience more of the calm you desire. Also because it is the most practically effective thing you can do to change your life. So let’s begin…
Pause.
Put your attention on the fact that you are breathing for a few breaths.
Begin to slow down.
Turn in and try to label 2 or 3 of the feelings in your current feeling state (anxiety, sadness, powerlessness, confusion, shame, etc).
Let the distressing feelings begin to pass through.
Feel the waves, feel the movement, feel the distress start to wane.
A particularly effective way to implement the above approach is to try to do it as soon after you wake as you can remember, before the momentum of the day may begin to carry you away. It can help to link it to something you do as a part of your daily routine such as brushing your teeth. I hope the above may allow you to feel more moments of calm and security in your life.
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