The Challenge
The power to heal lies within all of us. As children, we are conditioned to look and act in the outside world to change how we feel. We do this in the belief that at some point in the future, when a certain set of conditions are met (such as "when this person does that" or "when I have this"), we will finally "be happy." This approach is a setup for suffering. It is a trap that ensnares almost everyone, as, in the words of Henry David Thoreau, "most people lead lives of quiet desperation."
In this approach, our peace and joy are dependent on factors (other people, events, etc.) over which we have little to no agency. People act in the world with the goal of experiencing less anxiety or depression, but they often end up in even more distress, with feelings of inadequacy (from self-critical thinking such as “I didn’t do it good enough”) and powerlessness (“I tried and it didn’t work so I will never feel different”) added to the painful feelings they were trying to escape. The most effective way to navigate anxiety, depression, and other distressing feelings is to look at and act in our intrapersonal world, because that is where we have the most power to create change.
The Opportunity
There is a classic mindfulness saying, “pain is inescapable, suffering is optional." I find that this isn’t to be taken literally, as it implies we can simply choose to not suffer. You would not still be reading this if that were so. Of course, pain is inescapable in life. But there is initial suffering that stems from the pain, and that is also unavoidable. Rather than being a reason for nihilism this is a profound opportunity. What is optional in my experience is excessive, continuous suffering in relation to that pain and suffering. In other words, we have agency over the degree of suffering we experience in relation to the initial pain and suffering. This agency lies in how we choose to respond to the pain and suffering.
The Solution
Here I propose a specifically structured approach to dealing with distressing feelings. It is one drawn from and resonant with many other healing approaches.
1. Turn inward and look at your feelings.
2. Label your feelings.
3. Remember that you are breathing to begin to reconnect with your body and ground yourself.
4. Know that you are not the thoughts and feelings passing through you (this is a CBT technique known as "Cognitive Defusion" - https://psychology-spot.com/cognitive-fusion-definition/ ).
5. Put your attention on being in the space of compassion and love for yourself and others.
6. Let your distressing feelings pass through you like storm clouds.
7. Put your attention on the feeling state you would like to experience - calm and secure, with moments of joy.
8. Repeat this process.
I call this approach my Brain Operating Manual. Our brains are the most complex entities in existence, and they determine our perception of and experience of life. However, almost none of us were given much guidance on how to use our brains. I hope that this structured, practical approach, in combination with wellness-based interventions and appropriate medications for anxiety, PTSD, or depression, will help you to start to experience less distress and more moments of peace and joy. In future posts, I will discuss these steps in more detail to provide an active approach you can use to reduce your symptoms of anxiety, PTSD, and depression.
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